One Year

[Nutriaitch]

Apologies in advance for a long winded post, just need to vent a little  

so, tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of my heart attack. 

a week in hospital. 
2 procedures
terrible diet
quit smoking
month and a half of light duty 
struggled with depression

some of the above got better as year progressed. some not so much. 

Coming to grips with my own mortality wasn’t easy. I previously had to give up on playing ball due to no longer being able to hold up physically. Then this hit me.

Im now a broken down shell of my former self. The diet still sucks, but i don’t follow it religiously, so that helps. And while i’m eating much better, i’m no longer physically able to truly get out and exercise regularly.  I never bounced back from being down as long as i was. Something hurts pretty much every day.  Lately it’s a hip that’s balky as phuck for some reason. And of course the same shoulder that’s been an issue for a decade or so now.

And now on the eve of my anniversary, i find the depression part has never really gone away. It just kind of chills in the shadows. hiding. lurking. waiting. and emerges every now and then just to remind me that i may not be the baddest sonofabitch in the valley.  Just to bring back the memory of nearly orphaning my kids and abandoning my wife. Just to squeeze some more lemon juice right into the open wounds that haven’t scarred over yet. maybe those cuts never will? 

And i think a big part of my problem is that i can’t just go find a field to disappear.  The days of walking between those foul lines and the whole world melting away are long gone. Turning two while some guy is barreling into my legs is nothing more than a memory now.  Finding a gap, downshifting and dumping the clutch and beating some of the best guns the league had to offer is a release that i’ll never feel again. Starting a tournament semifinal game at 4:00 am nearing complete exhaustion and running on nothing else but pride and will power is ancient history.
 

ive never been one who lingered in the past. 

but i wish i could go back to a year ago tonight. 

no i couldn’t play anymore, but dammit i was still immortal.  I was still unbeatable.

I was still ME. 

 

[dachsie]

Nootch, You are still you.  Its just a different version of you.  What you are going to have to do is find something to replace the things you can't do now.  What about coaching kids in baseball, teaching them the things you know?  The podcasts you and Fish did must have given you some satisfaction.  Focus on that.  I have suffered with depression for over 30 years so I can understand those feelings.  I get down but I also try to pull myself out by doing things that make me happy.  I am  much better most days.  The best advice I can give is to look forwards, not backwards.  Look at what you have - your wife, your boys, your dogs, etc.  Focus on that.  It's not easy, believe me, I know.  Take one day at a time and make the choice that it will be a good day.

[Nutriaitch]

Most days i’m good.  The good days still definitely outnumber the bad. 

This season has absolutely helped. 
The podcasts have been a ton of fun. And hope we can keep doing them in future seasons too. 

Just the one year thing had my mind wandering a bit.  And while i definitely wasn’t exactly a spring chicken before, it just seems like a rapid decent downhill since Jan 3 2019. 

[LSUDad]

Continued health and happiness for you. This board helps for sure, this season, is major to all. God Bless. 

[Fishhead]

Coach. That's what you do when you can't play anymore. 

Or ump.

Something

[Herb]

Nootch, I feel you man.

You have a Tiger Family here that always has your back...no matter what.

Depression is different for every person that suffers it. I'm not a therapist and I won't pretend to offer any advice other than to tell you that there is no shame at all in talking to a therapist. Sometimes it takes a few different ones to find one to connect with.

Getting old fucking sucks. I still look in the mirro and see that 25 year old dude staring back, then I see a picture of myself and i'm like "wow, I look old".

Worse than that is that I feel old. I can easily get winded climbing a few flights of stairs, which scares the shit out of me. I am older than my Dad was when he had his 1st heart attack, which scares the shit out of me. Sometimes at night, my legs twitch when I am trying to sleep, which scares the shit out of me. People I used to hang with are retiring, which scares the shit out of me.

Shit...I AM old.

In addition to the suggestions others have made to start coaching, etc., my suggestion is that you lose yourself in learning how to play guitar. You know that is right below the surface and you have expressed some level of desire publically to learn. 

Even though we're old, life is just starting in this moment right now.

No, go kill some rats in your shed.

[Hatchertiger]

I lost a brother because nobody in our family including his wife detected that he was struggling with mental illness. Depression is not simply being sad, it is a mental illness that is treatable. I found out after my brother's funeral that many in our family are being treated for depression. Nobody talked about it because of the "stigma" associated with mental illness. Depression can be espisodal or hereditary or both. But it IS TREATABLE.  So Nootch, go and get evaluated by the appropriate medical professional. It would be better that you find out that you don't have a medical condition then to have one and not receive treatment. 

[Eq4bits]

What they all said, Nootch.