A Laugh In This Time, Enjoy

[LSUDad]

 Some friends and I went out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

 

It seemed a little strange.

 

 

 

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

 

 

Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

 

 

 

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”

 

 

 

“Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

 

 

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”

 

 

 

I was impressed.

 

 

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

 

 

 

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

 

 

 

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminatethe need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.”

 

 

 

I asked, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

 

 

 

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others,…”

 

 

 

“But I use the spoon.”

 

[LSUDad]

[LSUDad]

 

 

 

[LSUDad]

 

Sorry, I LOL with this one!

[LSUDad]

Weekend chuckle!

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on
The Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them
And said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able
to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such
as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about
this man?
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one
eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in
her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
“Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you
Hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew
it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual
about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
“You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the
world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only
one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[LSUDad]

Little Johnnies baby sister was chosen to read a passage for the Easter Service. She timidly stepped up to the lecture and her angelic voice filled the church,silence followed as she finished. The old priest walked over to the tiny girl and thanked her for an inspiring message and complimented her on her white cotton dress. She smiled sheepishly,leaned into the microphone and said,Thank you ,Father, my Mom says this dress is a femaledog to iron!!
 

 

[LSUDad]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,

"Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank." 

 Passenger: “Who?" 

 Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." 

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." 

Cabbie: "There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right." 

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" 

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?" 

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
 

 

[houtiger]

One of my favorite Super Bowl commercials from a few years back.....

Jerry Rice walks up to a young boy, about 10 years old.

Young Boy:  Who are you?

Jerry Rice:  Well, some people say I'm the greatest wide receiver of all time.

Young Boy:  You Odell Beckham Junior?

Jerry Rice:  Looks exasperated.

 

Of course that was back in OBJ's hay day with the Giants.

[LSUDad]

Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee.

One uses her panties to wipe with and throws them away, the other one uses a ribbon from a wreath.

The next day, one husband calls the other:

"My wife came home last night not wearing any panties!"

"That's nothing! My wife had a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you."
 

 

 

[houtiger]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........

[houtiger]

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.

He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[Hatchertiger]

If two vegans get into a disagreement is it still called a beef?

[houtiger]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl.

I'm a 6-foot-tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[Hatchertiger]

If you do nothing all day you’re called a bum … but if you do that iN a boat you’re called a fisherman!

[houtiger]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[dachsie]

[LSUDad]

I was in the hospital one time, with an oxygen mask over my face. The nurse came in, I asked a question. She lifts up the covers of my bed, then lifts my hospital gown. Tells me no sir. I asked again a little more forcefull, once again. She lifts the sheet, and my gown. No sir, your testicles are not black. Finely I removed the oxygen mask and said, “Are my test results back?”

[houtiger]

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home: "Herman, I just heard on the news that a car is driving the wrong way on Interstate 90, please be careful!" Herman said, "It's not just one car. There are hundreds of them!"

[Hatchertiger]

[houtiger]

A senior citizen from Lake Charles Louisiana drove his brand new Corvette stingray convertible out of the dealership. Taking the on ramp west on I 10, he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.

 

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I 10, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him, lights flashing and sirens blaring. He floored it to 100 MPH, then 120, then 150. Suddenly, he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the troopers arrival.

 

Pulling up behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is my Friday. If you can give me a reason I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

 

 

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “years ago my wife ran off with a Louisiana State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day Sir,” replied the trooper.

[houtiger]

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman,

"You put it in your purse."

[dachsie]