A Laugh In This Time, Enjoy

[LSUDad]

 

Edited March 30, 2020 by LSUDad

[LSUDad]

Boudreaux walks into the bar with a serious black eye...Pierre asks "man,who give you dat?) Boudreaux answers.....My Wife. Pierre says" I thought she was outta town" Boudreaux answers,. Me too!!
 

 Morning y'all

[LSUDad]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential 
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me 

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets 

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that 

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[LSUDad]

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's t-boi , my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of jack Daniel's Tennessee honey and a dozen Bush wackas every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

[LSUDad]

A Cajun man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: He was an LSU Tiger fan and she was a Florida GayTurds fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Gator fan.

He went to a doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this medically. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be a Florida GayTurds fan."

The Cajun man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"

The man sat up, looked around, and said "ROLL TIDE !!!"

[LSUDad]

[LSUDad]

Old Boudreaux was dining in a fancy restaurant recently, and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly, the lady sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the Boudreaux. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, ” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterward, they go to the theater followed by a nice place for drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap, and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, a really wonderful time indeed.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. Old Boudreaux is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible! “You know, ” he said,
“you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?“

“No, ” she replies . . . “You just happened to catch my eye.”

 

[LSUDad]

Never Squat With Your Spurs On - Will Rogers
 Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot  Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this  country has ever known. Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
 The ones that learn by reading.
 The few who learn by observation.
 The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he  started roaring.      He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot  him.

moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want  people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some  of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.
 Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.   Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

 

[LSUDad]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker,very tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company andobviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. 

 One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. 

“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a 
bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome." 
 
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear".

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder".

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up 
in the morning late so often?" 
 
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,  "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, may I get your coffee for you, sir"?

[LSUDad]

 

[LSUDad]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN:"Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Hatchertiger]

Don't mess with his sausage!!! **NSFW**

 

[LSUDad]

My Main Man, leave his sausage alone! 

[LSUDad]

The electric fence and the lawnmower..
We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone..The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”....How very thoughtful of her.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time.......stood........still..........

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shyte your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of shyte chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.

[LSUDad]

 

 

[LSUDad]

Boudreaux and Marie were sitting on their front porch on their fiftieth anniversary, when suddenly Marie picks up her walking cane and wops Boudreaux across his shins!!! 

Boudreaux cries out in pain and yells, "Woooa Marie, why for you did dat?"  

Marie tells him, "Dat's for fifty years of bad sex!" 

A few minutes later, Boudreaux picks up his cane and wops Marie across her shins.  Marie screams at Boudreaux, "Why for you hit me like dat?" 

Boudreaux says, "Dat's for knowin' da difference!"

 

[Hatchertiger]

Boudreaux has a problem so he decides to go and talk to Father Thibodeaux:

Boudreaux: Mais father I'm having a little trub on the home front, I think my wife is trying to poison me, dat food taste funny to me.

Fr. Thibodeaux: You can't be serious haven't you been married to your high school sweetheart for over 30 years?

Boudreaux: Mais yeah but I'm serious like dat, she's trying to get rid of me.

Fr. Thibodeaus: Tell you what T-boy, I'm gonna sit yo wife down and talk to her about what's going on.

Boudreaux: Thank you mon cher!

[3 weeks later]

Boudreaux: Father, did you have a chance to talk to Clotile, my wife?

Fr. Thibodeaux:  Mais yeah, I had about a 3 hour conversation with her on the phone.

Boudreax: And?

Fr. Thibodeaux: My advice ... take the poison.

 

[LSUDad]

On a rural road, a state trooper pulled a farmer over and said, “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

[houtiger]

 

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife.

[LSUDad]

Daddy, how was I born?
 Well, Son, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male."

[LSUDad]

A Yankee couple were driving through Plaquemine,arguing about how to pronounce the name of the town. They saw Boudreaux in a parking lot ,pulled over and asked him," please tell us where we are,,,,but say it slowly. Boudreaux leaned into the car window and said
Burrrrrger King.

[cadillacattack]

[Herb]

Cajun Vasectomy

This one is a visual joke, so it helps if you tell it while holding a soda or a bottle of water...

 

Boudreaux comes home from work and his wife, Clotile, meets him at the door...

Clotile: "Boudreaux, I have something to tell you. I'm pregnant again."
Boudreaux: "Mais, Clotile, we already have 7 kids. We can't afford anymore after dis."
Clotile: "I know, cher, das why I think you should get you one of dem 'vah-sec-toe-me's!"
Boudreaux: "Okay, I'll go see Doctor Guidry tomorrow."

So Boudreaux goes to Doctor Guidry's office and doctor Guidry tells Boudreaux "A vah-sec-toe-me is easy. Just take one of dem cherry bomb firecrackers, light the fuse, drop it in a can of Pop Rouge and count to ten!"

When Boudreaux goes home and tells Clotile, she raises her eyebrows in disbelief and says "Boudreax, I think you need to get a 2nd 'oh-pin-yaw'!" So the next day, Boudreaux goes to see Doctor Fontenot for a 2nd 'oh-pin-yaw'.

Doctor Fontenot says the same thing: "Just take one of dem cherry bomb firecrackers, light the fuse, drop it in a can of Pop Rouge and count to ten!"

Boudreaux goes home and tells this to Clotile, and she shrugs her shoulders and says "Two doctors...same oh-pin-yaw...muss be true!"

So Boudreaux gets a cherry bomb firecracker from Thibadeaux and a can of Pop Rouge.  He lights the cherry bomb and drops it in the Pop Rouge he is holding in his left hand. Boudreaux starts counting to ten using the fingers with his right hand.  When he gets to 5, he realizes he is out of fingers to count with, looks at his left hand and realizes he's holding the can of Pop Rouge.

So he puts the can between between his legs to hold it there so he can continue to count to 10 with the fingers on his left hand...6, 7, 8...

 

[LSUDad]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,

"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day!"

[Eq4bits]